CW: eating disorders
i don’t want to talk about it too much but just to be real food is sometimes hard for me, i have a lot of shame and guilt around eating and food, i forget to eat or often don’t want to, i’d rather do other things, i’ve been underweight at points and have eating disorder-type tendencies
i’m happy with my current weight and promise to myself to eat 3x a day. this is one of my most basic and helpful, loving self-love practices
our society is aimed towards assuming people have a hard time losing weight, but i am one of those who have a hard time gaining weight. it’s real, please don’t say “gee i wish that were me,” it’s also hard and unpleasant, just in a different way
i would sometimes have bad body days where i would feel headachey, sore, tired, low mood, low energy, etc.
i felt like an old man. but i was 30 when this started happening. it took me some months to realize i simply wasn’t eating enough food.
the purpose of this post is to collect thoughts and resources on my food stuff, eating disorders, and practical suggestions for what’s worked for me—esp. in case it’s useful to someone else with similar problems.
some components of my food stuff:
- physical: disliking eating after a certain point.
- financial: don’t want to spend money. habitual frugality to a fault.
- energetic: if i eat less, i can sleep less, do more. don’t need to eat a lot if i habitually don’t exercise much or eat much. i enjoy that.
- logistical:
- annoying / aversive to shop / cook etc. other things more interesting, fun, useful.
- i change where i live frequently. different places / states / countries / locations have different shopping + restaurant situations. hard to predict what i’ll be able to buy at grocery stores or restaurants. don’t want to carry things with me.
- emotional/psychological: specific memories and feelings often come up.
- leftover family stuff.
- leftover vegan/vegetarian stuff.
- leftover buddhism stuff.
- guilt about spending money on food when i’m supported by generosity.
- habitual: used to eating 1-2 meals a day.
- metabolic: hard to gain weight. even when i’ve tried i’ve maxed out at ~150 and lost it again quickly. seems like ~140 is more of my natural set point.
- health: having digestive/gut issues (candida)
a lot of this would be solved pretty easily if i had a house / apartment, and a regular routine of grocery shopping and cooking. which is why, as of this writing, I have ended my pilgrimage and am trying to settle down in Brooklyn
i’ll share just a few things that have helped me, in case they help others:
- making a list of all of the diverse historical, psychological, emotional, spiritual factors that contributed / contribute to my disordered eating tendencies (see above)
- focusing on eating three meals a day. up to four meals a day when exercising more or sleeping less
- weighing myself once every few months when i can, making a spreadsheet of weight over time. adding in bars for high and low weight so i can tell when i am under or over my ideal weight range
- starting to eat meat. tonglen / compassion practice while eating meat to process feelings of grief, pain, self-hatred, fear, etc.
- drinking roughly a half gallon of milk a day to stay hydrated and get some extra fat/protein
- buying a portable blender to make smoothies
- exercising more so i want to eat more, have to eat more (and also sleep more)
- giving myself permission to not finish food if i feel full
- giving myself permission to eat “junk food” that actually feels desirable when hungry (rather than food that doesn’t)
- being willing to spend more money on already-prepared foods, purchased as needed, rather than cooking or grocery shopping
- using the word “sustenance” as a mantra—to remind me to eat, that my body needs nourishment, that i thrive when i am well-fed
- i love how well asking myself “if i loved myself truly and deeply, what would i do” works
- i’m on a new diet i call “does my body believe this food will help me live to eighty or ninety for the benefit of all beings”
i’m gonna go get dinner now, i love U T, and i love U, also ❤️