I wrote this draft in December of 2023 but am publishing it now, 03/21/26, as-is, with minor modifications.
something i’d like my mutuals to know: i generally prefer to disagree in private
i consider it courteous to disagree with a friend in private before doing so in public, especially if an issue is complex, subtle, fraught, knotty
i value a friendship and a relationship over any particular opinion that i or you have
text conversations don’t match the nuance needed for fruitful, kind disagreement
useful to escalate to voice memos, phone conversation, video call, in person conversation
disagreements are tricky, and subtle, and nuanced, and i find private conversation affords better opportunities to disagree kindly, effectively, usefully
we don’t often talk about “saving face” in our culture but there’s something there and disagreeing privately affords the opportunity for someone to save face
if we’re mutuals for years, it’s very likely that one of us will end up saying one or more things the other disagrees about.
in that case, i’d prefer it if you told me privately that you had a disagreement with me, rather than quote tweeting me to say so immediately
a kind, respectful private conversation between friends can help you learn more about the world, other people’s experience, and form a more nuanced opinion
it’s easier and safer to share both people’s respective, relevant experiences fully and honestly in a private conversation
if i put my foot in my mouth and publicly say something imprecise or incomplete or unkind or just plain wrong, and a friend kindly, privately shows me how, i’ll say so and revise or update my statement publicly
but in my experience real change of opinions happens in private, respectful conversations
one reason people like public conversations for disagreements is to neutralize power dynamics.
@richdecibels taught me that one way you can do so while respecting the preference for private disagreement is to have a conversation mediated by a mutually trusted third party
