This piece is erotic literature, meant for readers 18+.
Content warning: graphic sexual descriptions. More than you may want to know about my sex life. Really hot erotica. Dubious psychological insights.
A few weeks ago I had a psychological insight about myself. It was very banal, but very powerful. It was inspired by reflecting on my sexual fantasies, which in this case are relatively vanilla, but still feel very vulnerable to share. In other words, my mental imaginal sex life is banal, and so are my psychological insights, and I am still going to take the time to write them up and maybe share them with you, whoever I decide to let read this, because these insights were powerful for me and I fucking feel like it.
A lot—not all—of my sexual fantasies fall into the same category. I love imagining these in my mind when I masturbate, and I love enacting them with my partners.
The basic category is D/s, where I am dominant—but there is a specific flavor of domination that I like to imagine or enact.
Rough sex is hot. Rape fantasies are hot. Control is hot. Tying people up is hot. But that’s not the flavor I’m thinking of, exactly.
The flavor isn’t about degradation. It’s more about mutual love, and getting my physical sexual needs met. It’s like my partner loves me so much that she is willing to give me pleasure in any way I want.
I’m horny? My partner will give me her body on demand, simply because I want her. If I ask her to suck my cock, she will. If I ask her to give me her pussy, she will give it to me, or I can take her, I can fuck her any way I like, in any hole I like, whenever I want.
It doesn’t matter the time of day, the moment or hour, her mind state or circumstances. If she isn’t horny, no problem—she will still love me enough to satisfy me, to suck me off or jerk me off, to let me cum on her breasts or in her mouth, to take good care of my cock.
When I fuck my partners, I like to fuck them lovingly, firmly and gently, with tremendous love but also great strength and vigor and need. There’s a balance between animal power, animal lust, and tender human-hearted love that I am able to strike, that I love to find and express, that honors my character, my horny body and my big open heart.
With these fantasies, my pleasure is foremost. It’s not that I want to deprive my partner of pleasure—I want her to have pleasure, too. It’s not that I need to control my partner, that I want to use her body as a physical object for my pleasure, even without consent, even under duress. I want to feel connected to her. I want to feel love for her, and from her. I don’t want to have sex with an object, I want to be with a partner, a lover, someone who I love and who loves me.
It’s that my pleasure matters so much, that I am so loved, that my partner is willing to go to any length to give me love. That she loves me so, so much and my sexuality is honored and I will be taken care of in ways that matter to me—including sexually.
What I realized several weeks ago is quite simple. It’s very straightforward. The love that I fantasize about receiving when I masturbate, that I love to receive from my partners in bed, is the love I need to give myself. I need to put myself first, no matter what, in every moment.
What can I do right now, in this moment, to love myself? What do I need? What kind of love do I need right now? Can I ensure that I get that love no matter what, whether by asking for it from someone else, or by giving it to myself? Kamal Ravikant’s question: “What would I do if I truly loved myself?”
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