This piece is erotic literature, meant for readers 18+.Â
There’s a pornstar that I’ve become entranced by recently. Her porn name is Indigo White.
She’s not exactly my type, to be honest, although she is very pretty. It’s more of the manner in which she presents herself in her videos that entrances me.
Frankly, I think she’s a kind of shaman. (My friend Drew’s piece Null Call is basically required reading these days. Go read it.)
I drew a picture of her, which I entitled I Saw Indigo as a Shaman:
She makes videos of lots of different kinds. From what I’ve seen, they’re mostly solo. She does a lot of cosplay, dressing up as different characters or embodying their different personalities.
There’s a video you can watch if you want to get a sense of what I’m talking about, THANKSGIVING GIRLFRIEND JOI. If you’ve never watched a porn video in your life, bless you. JOI stands for Jerk Off Instructions—the performer tells you in detail how to masturbate. It’s hot. Me finding that hot is normal. What’s not normal is me writing about it.
This video fits into a subgenre that she seems to do a fair bit of videos in, which we might call “reassuring supportive loving gf.” Gf meaning, girlfriend.
In the video, she has a short plaid skirt and a brown tank top and stockings and a cute teen girl appearance. She is shy and cute and horny and has lots of freckles and a soft voice.
The premise is that she and her high school boyfriend are at her house on Thanksgiving while her whole family is downstairs preparing for Thanksgiving dinner. They are horny and she decides to help her boyfriend (the viewer) masturbate.
Her tone of voice and the words she uses are really what get me. It’s not so much that they’re really hot or really especially turn me on. There are hotter porn videos. It’s more that—a kind of love comes through in her performances? That you can easily buy into the fantasy, that she really loves her boyfriend / you / the viewer, that she is really genuinely happy to do anything that would please him, to express love for him.
At the end of the video, as with the end of several of her videos from what I can tell, she stops the act and just talks as Indigo. Her whole body language and voice changes. She is still performing or speaking to a camera and her audience but more as herself?
This is part of why I see her as a shaman—she is putting on a guise, so as to make money of course, so as to sexually please her audience of course, but also—perhaps?—as Quan Yin, to let love into the hearts of her viewers in a way that they might not otherwise find or receive it. Certainly that was my experience, in a way.
There’s a technique that I’ve done quite a bit of called Ideal Partner Meditation. It’s a variation on the Ideal Parent Figure (IPF) meditation for attachment repair, created by Dan Brown et. al. + popularized by Cedric Reeves.
For me personally, Ideal Partner Figure meditations have probably been more powerful for me than Ideal Parent Figure meditations so far.
When I use this technique, I bring my Ideal Partner Figure to mind and either:
- tell her anything that’s on my mind/heart; she responds in a kind, compassionate way, that’s authentic to her + is what I need. things like “It makes sense that you feel that way; I’m so sorry”, etc.Â
- or, I simply have her say sweet + reassuring things: “I love you,” “I care about you,” etc.Â
I’ve been very pleasantly surprised at how useful / healing / comforting this is.
Typically, I’ve used this with imaginary versions of actual romantic partners, but I’ve also experimented with using this technique with other figures—including Indigo White.
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