co-authored with Loopy
A god can create a world only by listening.
— James Carse, Finite and Infinite Games
Listening is one of the most powerful skills in the world. We love listening, and we love being listened to.
Attentive listening and concise articulation of others’ thoughts are universally appreciated skills. Having ones ideas mirrored back demonstrates attention and understanding. By providing a succinct reflection of their thoughts, U offer them a clear perspective of themselves.
That said, listening can be hard! Sometimes I (Loopy) zone out or listen to my thoughts over the other person’s words; or I’ll say “hmmm” when it’s my turn to say something, and I don’t notice until they point it out. Most of us would like to do this less often—we certainly would.
Listening is something that I (Tasshin) consider myself (and Loopy) to be good at, but I have infinite desire to get better at it. My life improves significantly the better I get at listening. Even marginal improvement at my listening skill would have tremendous benefit.
This post will share everything we’ve learned so far about how to be a better listener.
What is Listening, anyway?
In this section, we’ll share our first-person, phenomenological experiences of listening.
Loopy
For me, being a great listener is closely tied to presence.
When I am present in conversation, my awareness is fully on the other person and the information they’re sharing, both objective (words and tone of voice) and subjective (my interpretation of their emotional state and the stories in their head).
Being fully present in conversation is relaxing and easeful. I’m not trying to make sure I recall everything they say or give the most insightful reflection when they’re done speaking, I simply play my part in a melody that we co-create. In my most enjoyable conversations, mutual presence is a divine experience, a priceless mode of relating.
I usually enjoy listening more than speaking, so my presence in conversation allows me to find especially interesting paths for a conversation to take, phrased as reflections or questions I offer to them, informed by what the other person says and how they say it. These subtle, but useful guideposts are only noticeable to me when I am fully present with the other person. Examples of these conversational details include shifts in tone for specific topics, or things they say quickly as an aside.
These experiences of deep listening are in stark contrast to what it’s like for me to lack presence in conversation. When I am not present, instead of being with the other person’s words, I am preoccupied with my own words, my own thoughts. I am thinking about something in the past or the future, or I am worried or fearful about something to do with the other person. I am critical towards myself for not understanding their question, or not having a good answer.
This lack of presence means that I am not fully receiving what they are sharing with me, so the conversation is broken in a sense. Instead of mutually speaking and listening, the conversation is stilted and fragmented. This can arise as a vicious cycle where I experience a minor distraction from presence in a conversation, which prompts internal criticism, which takes me further from presence, and so on.
A sense of sovereignty helps me to recover from a lack of presence in conversation. This is an internal knowing that I am okay with myself no matter what. I love myself always and I will never abandon myself, so it’s okay to slip in conversation. I can admit that I was distracted or ask them to repeat what they said, because a rupture in our connection does not damage my relationship with myself.
Tasshin
Here’s an extended description of how I model what’s happening when U are listening or distracted, phenomenologically speaking.
Consciousness can usefully be seen as having two facets, attention and awareness. It’s a bit like our physical sense of sight or vision: we have a central area of vision, and peripheral vision. U can see the person U are looking at, and also ur surroundings.
Consciousness is just like that. Attention is the center or foreground of our experience: whatever we are focusing on at any given moment. Awareness is the equivalent of peripheral vision: whatever is present in, but not dominating, our conscious experience; the background.
 |  |
| Floating attention, broad awareness | Attention at the nostrils, broad awareness |
images from Upasaka Culadasa, The Mind Illuminated, 2015.
When we are “listening,” we are placing our attention on several components simultaneously, and/or moving fluidly between them—the physical sounds someone makes with their voice; their facial expressions and other body language; and also, importantly, our own subjective reactions to what they are saying: auditory and visual thoughts in our head, as well as somatic, emotional responses in our bodies. Good listeners are able to simultaneously track the more objective facts of what someone is saying as well as their own subjective response, and move between relating to these.
When we are distracted, we have placed our focus and attention on one of these aspects—or another aspect of our experience entirely—and allowed our awareness to contract onto that aspect, excluding or diminishing our contact with the whole gestalt of what they are saying.
For example: someone is talking to us about their feelings about something, when we have an embodied reaction of anger or frustration, and then that feeling causes us to have a vivid memory of an entirely unrelated argument we’d had with someone in the past, and then we are suddenly trapped in a fantasy about what we wish we’d said or did—losing track of the real person that’s actually in front of us, and what they are actually saying, right now.
It’s normal and human to get distracted. Everyone gets distracted! It’s hard to be a perfect listener who’s always listening real good all the time. That said, having a good model of what is happening when we’re really listening, or when we’re distracted, can help us to be better listeners.
From a meditation and contemplative practice perspective, doing concentration practice will help U improve ur attention, and stay more focused. Shinzen Young defines concentration power as “the ability to focus on what you consider to be relevant at a given time.”
Additionally, doing open-awareness style practices like the Alexander Technique or those in Vajrayana Buddhism (e.g. Evolving Ground-style Opening Awareness practice) will help U to connect to ur capacity for awareness, and notice distractions more easily.
How to Listen Real Good
This section includes various practical suggestions about how to listen, how to be a better listener. Think of this as our listening utility belt, tools to be utilized for the benefit of better conversations.
Foundation: Presence and Mindset
The secret ingredient for stable attention is enjoyment. If U are enjoying a conversation with someone, if U enjoy their company, what U are talking about together, and what they are saying, then it will be easy to listen to them.
For me (Tasshin), listening is very fun if the person is interesting to me and what they’re saying is novel and relevant and interesting and alive to me. It’s much less fun if that’s not the case.
Knowing ur mindset and emotional state is a great listening tool. Humans have evolved to be the apex vibe readers. If U show up with a sense of presence as an openhearted, curious, and nonjudgmental listener, that will be nonverbally transmitted to the other person, comforting them as they speak. In contrast, they will also notice ur presence as an impatient, bored, and judging listener. It may be useful to explicitly share ur emotional state going into a conversation so that they do not expect something from U that U cannot provide in that moment.
Having alignment on the purpose of the conversation is a great listening tool. If they want solutions, but U only offer sympathy, they might be displeased with how ur paying more attention to emotional information than the details of their problem.
Here are a few mindsets to offer that may be beneficial for U to explore in ur journey to be a better listener:
Ur not going to be quizzed on what the person just said. If the other person talks at length, and only one thing stands out to U, that’s fine! U might offer a reflection about that thing or ask to know more about it.
U are the conductor and the other person is the orchestra. U can direct the flow of conversation through ur reflections, questions, body language, and facial expressions.
way of seeing: every word you hear is the revealed gospel, the sermon of the universe spoken for your ears
I (Loopy) tried to disprove this by randomly saying “mango” to Tasshin, and he knew that it was a message to eat his mango snack and take care of his body.
U can hold lightly the possibility that the other person is about to deliver the exact message U need to hear. The better listener U are, the better chance that U will receive the message!
Core Listening Techniques
Pausing is a great listening tool. Five seconds of silence after their share, time for U to consider exactly where U want the conversation to go from there, might make the difference between a good conversation and a fantastic conversation.
One trick I (Tasshin) sometimes use to refocus my attention on listening to someone when I’ve gotten distracted or my attention is waning is to “echo” their words in my head. As someone speaks words aloud, I will repeat their words to myself in a loud internal voice, word for word, as they speak them. I typically just need to do this for a sentence or two to reestablish my attention on what they’re sharing.
Voice notes are a great listening tool. U can repeat the message and notice details U missed the first time. U can check whether U have everything in mind that U want to keep in mind before U record ur response.
I (Tasshin) have found it helpful to practice the skill of tracking the structure of a conversation: noticing what the major topics covered have been, being able to summarize the points made, and keeping in mind different breadcrumbs I might like to follow up on or possible roads and branches the conversation could potentially go down.
Synthesizing information is a great listening tool. If ur conversational partner tells U two plus two, they will be glad to hear U say four. I had a recent conversation where a friend expressed the desire to move slowly and intentionally in dating. She also mentioned a shift in her life priorities, now having more time to explore what she wants for her career after the resolution of a few family issues. I told her that she might also enjoy the shift to prioritizing her career by moving slowly and intentionally, just as she preferred in dating. She was delighted to receive that reflection.
Once U’re tracking structure and synthesizing information effectively, U can channel that understanding into generating meaningful questions. Being an active, engaged listener involves, amongst other things, generating good questions for someone. This is a learnable skill, that U can practice! One fun way to do it is, when U are listening to a podcast interview, think about and write down any additional questions U might have liked to have asked the person being interviewed, beyond the ones that the interviewer asked.
Another way is simply to feel ur body, to listen to ur heart, and wait patiently for the words to form, for the question that wants to be asked to be born. This is often how the best questions I ask come into my conversations, into the world!
Reading Beyond Words
When U listen, listen not only to their words, to their direct and explicit communication, but also to their indirect communication: the sound of their voice, their body language, the larger gestalt and context of what’s said.
River says that he’s “helped several friends make big decisions, mostly by letting them vent about big decisions for awhile, and then just telling them I noticed they were sagging when talking about one option, and energetic when talking about the other.”
There might be something that needs to be said aloud, an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed, before U can genuinely attune to ur conversation partner—like “I’m angry” or “I’m afraid” or even simply saying, “I’m bored right now!”
Mary says that whenever she’s “bored in a conversation, it’s usually because either I or the other person aren’t revealing much about ourselves.”
Sometimes, there’s a mismatch between someone’s explicit words and the feeling or vibe of what they are saying. Noticing that and naming it (“ur words sound reasonable, but U seem angry to me!”) can really shift the character of a conversation.
Navigation and Boundaries
U are the sovereign of ur own attention! Just because someone is talking to, at U does not oblige U to give them ur attention!
Interrupting is a great listening tool. If what they share is not pleasant for U to listen to, U can interject with a reflection, observation, or question that steers the conversation in a direction that would be more satisfying for U.
If U get distracted, it’s okay to simply say “Sorry, I got a little distracted there. Would U mind repeating that?” People will generally appreciate ur honesty, and the care U show by genuinely trying to understand what they are communicating.
One sort of morally-grey-area trick: it’s okay to sometimes indulge in the possibility of not actually listening, if someone is talking at U, if what they are saying feels irrelevant, not resonant, unimportant to U. U can just let their words wash over U without making effort to pay attention or follow their meaning.
A kinder, albeit higher challenge level and more uncomfortable version of this approach, is to be honest, saying something like: “I’m not really listening right now.” “I don’t want to listen to this.” “I don’t have the attention span to listen to U right now.” This honesty can also be a bid for connection.
In practice, there are often a lot of situations where people want to talk at U, where what they are saying feels irrelevant, and U don’t necessarily need to listen. U can listen in those circumstances, but U don’t need to. U can just not do stuff.
Conclusion
Listening is an act of love. Simply to listen deeply to someone is already an act of great kindness, a service to them and the world. We can give this gift to anyone at any time, at no expense and with great benefit.
What helps U to listen well? What helps U to listen effectively, deeply, lovingly?
May U deeply listen to others. May others feel seen and heard in ur presence. May U receive the same care and attention U give, and may our shared love benefit all beings. ❤️
Further Resources
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
- Listen by Patty Wipfler (via Joe Hudson’s recommendation)
- AOA Episode on Listening (Video / Audio)
- Come Together by Nox Vahn, Marsh
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