or, the subtle art of not dying inside during meetings
I used to hate work meetings, especially group meetings. I would often find them so stressful, frustrating, and overwhelming, even if they were productive or useful from a work perspective.
If they went well objectively, I was often masking my own internal experience of disconnection, rage, confusion, sadness, feeling alone. They felt like a necessary evil, because they are so useful practically for coordinating in a group. And I love collaborating on projects with people!
Still, I wondered. It started to be an active question or inquiry for me. Why do I hate these meetings so much? What exactly makes these so hard? Was there anything I could do differently to make them easier?
As I asked myself this question, meeting after meeting, I came to a number of answers.
Sometimes, I hated meetings because I was in meetings I was required to attend, not meetings I freely chose of my own will and desire to be at. That was a sign that I was doing work I didn’t love, wasn’t a whole-body yes to. That kind or flavor of dissatisfaction required me to look deeply and honestly within myself about where I was at, and what I truly wanted, and then to take action, to make different life choices.
But other times, it was simpler than that. In a group meeting, everyone’s coming in from different places, metaphorically speaking and often literally (given the advent of widespread online video calls). Meetings were difficult for me because I was spending emotional energy tracking my own emotional state as well as that of others—emotional states which were implicit, not-named, and not addressed by the group as a whole.
Have U ever tried attending a non-profit budget meeting while U are actually furious about something apparently unrelated but still very much on ur heart? Have U ever tried coordinating with someone to plan a project and next actions while they are quietly, silently grieving something painful?
The emotional elephant is in the room, whether U choose to mention it or not. Someone’s psychological state is already true and present for them, regardless of whether U state it explicitly or not.
For this problem, there is one, simple, easy, specific solution that solved 80% of what I hated about meetings: starting meetings with emotional check-ins.
The Solution: Emotional, Psychological Check-Ins
Starting meetings of all kinds with check-ins has become a truly valued and beloved ritual for me. There’s always a lot going on in my life and in my heart, and being able to surface that at the start of a meeting, and to know where others are at, is so helpful. It makes me feel seen and connected, rather than unseen and disconnected.
While it’s valuable and preferable for me personally, I truly believe it is also beneficial to others, and groups as a whole. Given that people are arriving from different physical, emotional, psychological spaces, emotional check-ins help everyone attune to themselves and each other before U roll up your sleeves for the main discussion.
Without a pre-existing culture for authentic, heartfelt expression, speaking your truth in the middle of a meeting is going to be like lobbing a hand grenade in a tightly-packed kitchen closet. Unvoiced emotions in a group leads to a lack of attunement, miscommunications, and building resentments.
Regularly doing emotional check-ins helps shape how groups of people communicate. When people regularly start meetings by saying things like “I feel happy” or “I’m frustrated” or “I’m tired and struggling today,” it normalizes acknowledging and sharing human emotions at work. Over time, building and earning that shared vulnerability and honesty will shape your team’s culture for the better.
Moreover, if U do this consistently, in a well-held context, the people who check in with one another will start to attune not only to their state on a given day, or that of another’s, but also to the group, the collective, the larger whole. Honoring where each individual by sharing their internal weather helps collective sensibilities and intelligence arise.
How to Do Check-Ins, Practically
On the surface, it seems pretty simple to do an emotional check-in. Everybody just shares how they are feeling before the main part of the meeting gets started!
That said, I’ll share some practical tips and a bit of nuance that I’ve acquired over the years of doing lots and lots of emotional check-ins.
Start by establishing that emotional check-ins are happening. In an environment where check-ins aren’t an established default, U can ask, “Would it be okay if we started by doing a quick round of emotional check-ins?” In a context where they’re more established, U can simply ask, “Shall we do check-ins?”
Then, work out who wants to go first. In a one on one meeting, I’ll ask “Would U like to go first, or would U like me to?” In a group setting, I’ll ask “Would anyone like to go first?” If people are shy, or just don’t feel like going first, I’ll often say “I can go first.”
When its ur turn, briefly share ur current, personal emotional state. Most importantly: How are U feeling emotionally? Happy? Angry? Sad? Afraid? See my article on the Bio-Emotive Framework for some emotional vocabulary that U might find useful and relevant.
U might also share how U are feeling physically. Are U feeling energized or tired, healthy or sick?
Lastly, U might want to share any other relevant information about ur personal circumstances, that U feel like sharing or that others might want to know. Did U have four meetings back to back earlier in the day? Did U have a difficult conversation with a family member the previous night that’s still weighing on U? Do U need to stick to the time allotted for the meeting, because U have to pick up ur kids afterwards?
Here’s what that might sound like:
I feel really tired. I didn’t sleep much last night, and I haven’t yet had a chance to grab lunch. That said, this morning was really nice—I had a great conversation with Julia in Marketing about the project we’re working on together. I feel happy about working with her, and excited about what it will make possible for our team.
Be aware of the context in which U are all sharing. U can decide the level of granularity and vulnerability U feel comfortable with, that’s appropriate to share in the context U are in.
In one meeting, perhaps with a close collaborator or friend, U might feel comfortable saying “I feel really sad about the breakup I had last week,” whereas in another meeting U might stick to “I feel really sad” or even “I just have some heavy emotions on my heart today” (without being specific).
Just because U are doing emotional check-ins, there’s no need to pour urself a vulnerability hangover, or to share something U don’t feel comfortable sharing. Ur boundaries are perfectly reasonable, whatever they are.
U also don’t have to become best friends with someone, just because U share ur emotional state or hear theirs. U are simply making time to honor urself and others as humans with feelings and circumstances.
Adapt the length of what U share to the context of the meeting, too. By default, keep it brief. In a one-on-one meeting, or a very small group meeting, it’s often possible or desirable to have longer, extended check-ins. But in larger groups, or if there’s a pressing deadline, there might not be time for everyone to share literally everything that’s on their heart. Make sure there’s time for everyone by making ur check-in succinct.
With practice, U can learn to give a “headline” or short summary of what ur emotional state is, even with just a few words. It may not encompass all of everything on ur heart, but even just briefly sharing the most important parts will help U and the others in the group attune to each other, feel seen.
At the end of ur check in, ask “How are U, Tom?” to someone who hasn’t gone yet. That keeps the ball rolling.
Make sure to focus and listen to others while they are sharing, just as U would probably like to be listened to—deeply and with respect. Avoid multi-tasking while others are sharing their emotional check-in. It hurts to share something vulnerable while someone is distracted or not really listening.
Similarly, as time allows, it’s often nice to respond briefly to people’s check-ins with empathy (“Wow, I’m really sorry that happened”) or curiosity (“What are U hoping to do on ur vacation to Málaga?”). U might want to do this simply because it’s true for U—it’s also connecting for the other person. It’s awkward and potentially hurtful to share something vulnerable, like “I’m really sad that my family member died last week,” without others acknowledging or responding.
U may find it useful to collectively decide to alter the meeting’s structure, form, or time to accommodate people’s emotions. For example, U might decide not to make a big decision together if the project lead is exhausted, or U might suggest postponing the meeting until another time if most people are emotionally activated.
Work with the emotional terrain that’s present. It may feel like a distraction or something that’s slowing U down, but people’s emotional, psychological state is a factor that will be present regardless of whether or not U address it.
Sometimes, I’ll have multiple meetings in the same day with the same person. Ur preference may vary, but personally, I like to do emotional check-ins in successive meetings, even if we’ve already done check-ins earlier in the day. Our moods shift from moment to moment, hour to hour, and we may very well be in a totally different place psychologically than we were earlier. Spending a few minutes to check-in is a worthwhile investment in shared connection and attunement.
I love to record meetings and conversations, but I always make sure to start recordings of calls after the emotional check-ins are finished. People often share vulnerable, private details, and not recording that portion of the conversation helps people feel emotionally, psychologically safe.
Occasionally, I will have a meeting where it doesn’t make sense to start a check-in. For example, if I have a one-off meeting with people I’m just meeting for the first time and may never see again—like a sales meeting—emotional check-ins seem a bit unnecessary.
Still, I prefer to have check-ins as a default, and for meetings of all kinds. I really love them! Whenever possible, I insist on starting meetings with check-ins—to the point of making them a cornerstone of how we do things at the organization I’m creating, The Service Guild. Every meeting at The Service Guild starts with a check-in.
Even if ur workplace or group setting doesn’t have a shared culture of doing check-ins, U can make it part of that culture by asking: “Hey, before we start, could we quickly go around and say how we’re doing today? I find it really helps me to feel present and focus on the work at hand if I share how I’m doing, and hear how everyone else is, too.”
Conclusion
Ever since I’ve started to ask the question—“Why do I hate meetings so much?”—I have done everything in my power to implement the answers and solutions I’ve found along the way. This is an act of self-care, self-love.
While my batting average isn’t perfect, there are a lot of weeks where I’ll have ten, fifteen, twenty or more calls and meetings, and I tend to enjoy most of them.
Regularly doing check-ins has been an enormous part of that shift from regularly saying “I freaking hate meetings” to almost always ending a meeting saying, “I really enjoyed that meeting!”
One thing I’ve really come to value about regularly doing check-ins is that I get a sense of how I’m doing emotionally, psychologically, not just on a particular day but over time, in different months or seasons of my life. Maybe there’s a month where I notice that I’m saying “I feel happy” or “I feel sad” a lot. That’s valuable information! It’s almost like an emotional heat graph.
I also value check-ins as a collective ritual. Doing check-ins acknowledges each person’s mood and circumstance, and demonstrates that a group cares about its individuals as they are that day. It’s a practical way to implement something I value very deeply, which is that people and relationships are more important than any project or work context, no matter how big or expensive or critical. People first, humans first, friendships and relationships first.
Further Resources
- a seemingly simple question, a newsletter I wrote about how I have sometimes found it difficult to answer the question “how are U?” (especially asynchronously, by text, all the more so if with people I haven’t spoken to in quite some time—as this post shows, I find it a lot easier to answer verbally, synchronously, in person!)
The art in this post was created by SĂlvia Bastos, and is licensed under a CC BY 2.0 license. You can support her work on Patreon.Â
