after about an hour and a half of sleep last night, i woke up in a concentration state, a bliss state. this one was one i think i’ve encountered previously, but it was more stable, went deeper and weirder than i’ve been before.
this sometimes happens, not on demand, but often when i have very high degree of mindfulness, concentration, and energy during the day. body scans have been happening semi-automatically recently, with a lot of ease and momentum, so i think that was the immediate occasion
this one was immensely pleasurable, space was kinda folding into itself, my sense of self loosened quite a bit, and i got very confused and curious about who i am and what this experience was. don’t know mind.
it’s funny because in the background, i was also aware of my human personality self having a fair bit of anxiety and discomfort about something—and i also just had tremendous equanimity with that, to the point of not really caring. it was like overhearing someone else’s worried thoughts, but not buying in. and also a somatic analog of that.
so when i woke up, there was still a delightful afterglow from having that experience for thirty minutes or an hour in the middle of the night.
i had a number of calls today, as i often do. five—three zoom calls and two phone calls. and of course a lot of voice and text messages. 🙂 i loved them all, they all went well, but i want to tell U about two of them.
i had a call with our boy @s0ulDirect0r. we covered a lot of ground, especially about “i” and “we” statements and what comes up for us about those.
as the call progressed, i felt so grateful. in some ways, i’m in a similar chapter to one i was in a year or so ago. i had a couple of very important calls with Anansi then, specific ones that i still remember, that changed my life and also, i think, our friendship. not to mention the Guild.
and so it’s easy to look back, and compare. there are similar themes, but something has shifted. something that was hard then for me, is not exactly… easy… now, but it is straightforward. available. there is conscious competence where once I felt consciously, painfully, incompetent. and my friend helped me with that, and i am grateful.
the thing that was hard at the time was something like, how to balance high levels of energy, inspiration, clarity with attunement to others. how not to overwhelm people with my intensity, without abandoning myself, either.
and now, here with Anansi, twelve, fourteen, fifteen months later, the answers are simple, clear.
pausing. listening. watching body language. feeling my lower body. breathing. body scans! being ok with silence. expanding awareness. letting go of thoughts that could be said, but don’t need to be. and—not holding back, either! owning my power and strength. my gifts.
next i had a phone call with a friend. i’ve known for a year—as long as I’ve known her, actually—that she has a wealth of ideas i’m fascinated by, and a hidden repository of documents she’s written about them. i’ve asked her multiple times to read them.
last night, i saw she’d shared an essay online and i dove in immediately. i read the piece, multiple times. took notes. wrote down my questions. looked up various ideas and concepts she referred to. read it again.
her writing is plain. she intentionally didn’t write it beautifully, in a compelling or persuasive way. (she says as much. no pathos.) it’s also rough. early. people could easily tear apart her arguments, or quibble about the minutiae.
that’s not me. i see a first attempt of a brilliant mind, something that will obviously be said in better, more persuasive, compelling ways in the future.
and i know my friend. she is wise, and very bright, luminous, and filled with compassion. vigor, the desire to make things better. bodhicitta.
and most importantly: my body knows. it feels the truth in her words, the resonance. how this gives a frame for questions i’ve long asked but had difficulty wording. how this has answers to some of those questions, and more I didn’t ask, and inspires new ones.
and honestly, even though it’s rough, early, it’s also solid. she knows what she’s talking about. and i am delighted to hear it.
reading her work last night (yesterday and today blurred together, fewer hours of sleep than i might like), so many ideas moved through me, so many thoughts and feelings, that i asked her for a phone call, to move at her speed, not just mine. attunement.
when we talk, it’s one of my favorite kinds of conversations. after we say hello, and check in, and catch up a little, we get right into it. i ask her questions, and listen while she answers. then i ask more questions, and she has more answers. rinse, repeat.
she shares excerpts of as-yet-unpublished works that answer my further questions directly, that speak directly to the heart of my curiosity.
i treasure the kindness and generosity of her answers; the abundance and weight of what she says; the adventure of the opportunity to follow my curiosity, to ask every question i find burning in my heart.
her worldview is rewiring mine, connecting to shared dots we both care about, showing me new possibilities and directions i had not yet imagined, but am already eager to follow, to live.
some of her answers have a special impact on my body, my heart. i ask her to repeat a the last sentence or two. i ask her to pause, so i can feel what is moving through me.
questions, deep questions, inquiry questions, soul-whispered questions—questions lived for years and perhaps lifetimes—are finding answers. breadcrumbs. clues. and voice! questions about God, and the universe, and suffering. about enlightenment, and grace.
i am glad to notice that my questions serve her, too. that her ideas clarify further as we speak, become easier to explain. and i am glad to speak with her of the next steps for her work, to hear and plan and plot of how she might share these words and ideas with the world. power for my sister.
i took the phone calls outside, while walking. i wore my muscle shirt and definitely got a fair bit of sun. i might be a bit burned, we’ll see soon. for now, i like seeing the color on my skin, and the feeling of having been outside so much. of having lived a day i’m proud of.
and i’m excited to sleep tonight, to see what might happen in the middle of the night…