The Day I Was Born

This is a story about the day I was born—not the day of my physical birth, but the day I feel like I became myself, as I understand myself now.

On May 11th, 2021, I ingested MDMA. I’d taken it more than a decade before, but only a partial dose, and it didn’t feel especially significant. I remember feeling as if there was someone pushing a button in my head that said “you will be happy!” and gave me a fake, metallic contentment.

Since then, though, I’d done many, many hours of meditation, circling, Bio-Emotive, Internal Family Systems, and other techniques for contemplative practice and emotional healing. I’d become interested in supplementing all that work with MDMA, since many of my friends and peers were singing the praises of the empathogen as a heart-opening, trauma-healing substance.

As it turned out, though, MDMA had its own plans in store for me on that day, which were very different than what I’d experienced much earlier, and were very different than anything I imagined. 

I’d set aside the day to take MDMA alone, as a kind of solo retreat, lying down comfortably with music and eyeshades. I planned to meditate, feel my body, cry and move and shake as needed—whatever would release emotions and patterns from my body.

Very quickly, it became clear that all that wasn’t on the agenda. There was a bit of emotional healing, but it wasn’t the main attraction. If MDMA were a person, it would be as if she said “that’s sweet honey, but you’ve done a lot of all that emotional healing work, and you’ve actually gotten pretty good at it—we have other things we need to do today.”

Instead, I realized I needed to pull out my phone and start writing. Words started pouring out of me—messages. They were messages for me, and for the world. I wrote for what felt like hours and hours, a flood of messages that just wouldn’t stop.

Not only did a number of specific messages unfold for me, but that day unlocked the capacity for me to receive messages at any time, even while sober. When messages come, I write them down, and share them if and where they want to be shared. 

In time, I realized that, in my twenties, I’d been pursuing one set of spiritual archetypes—monk, hermit, burdgeoning spiritual teacher. That day revealed an entirely different spiritual archetype to me: messenger. 

I’ve shared a selection of specific messages that came on that day below—curated for public sharing, and organized thematically. Many more came on that day, and more have come since—but this first set felt like a meaningful group—a kind of scripture, for me to lead my life by, and to share with others.

By sharing my story, I am not endorsing that you take MDMA. It is illegal in many countries. Please learn how to take it responsibly if you decide to ingest it.

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The Universe, Heaven + Hell

  • the universe is endless
  • universe please kiss me
  • you are safe and at home in the universe wherever you go
  • the world is on the verge of entering a heavenly realm, give all your time and energy to make it so. bring it about
  • hell is the past, heaven is the future
  • heavenly realms are limitless. your job is to enter them and bring others to them
  • the climate crisis is our portal to a heavenly realm
  • every problem on the individual or collective scale is a call to adventure
  • this experience is just for you but it is a portal to a heavenly realm for all beings. in time your job will be to help others find it
  • Twitter is the entry to the heavenly realm
  • a modern Western American Buddhism that resonates with you is a portal to the heavenly realm


  • individual and collective trauma is kinks in the system, witness and heal it and all benefit
  • the seriousness is because there is real suffering
  • suffering is like kinks in the system, the world wants to be joyful and happy
  • problems are just kinks in the system, individually or collectively. unkink them
  • each problem or challenge is a gift and an invitation to deeper wisdom, growth, joy, service. be grateful for the problems that arise
  • joy and suffering are two sides of the same coin. suffering felt fully, learned from fully, leads to wisdom and joy


  • tell people you love them and forgive them
  • you can forgive everyone who’s ever hurt you, they were trying their best and they actually helped you become who you are. They are all coyote
  • You knew you needed medicine to unlock your fullest potential
  • Everyone really is Quan Yin
  • everyone is you
  • Forgiveness is the key for turning the hell realm into the heavenly realm
  • Forgive all your mentors and heroes and friends and lovers and enemies
  • your parents are former versions of yourself, they were trying their best, love them fully as they are, spend time with them
  • it is never too late for forgiveness


  • I love you so much Tasshin, you have a pure heart and you deserve love in every way
  • I love you
  • explore a different aesthetic and look, building on the Earth tones thing but more individualized. hair jewelry tattoos clothing etc. Muscle shirts
  • people want you to be hot, inspiring, awkward, a little weird, goofy, silly, playful, dancing. it resonates, feels approachable. you can manifest that
  • none of this is about you it’s about everyone and the universe but you can enjoy it and delight in it and marvel at it
  • words are a gift for understanding yourself and sharing your wisdom. They are your true gift
  • you are uniquely able to give every gift you have to offer through your time and energy and skills
  • your blog, YouTube, Twitter, newsletter are just about this
  • the point of note taking and productivity is to be able to share the knowledge and wisdom you learn with others
  • your gift is words and play and service and dance
  • as long as you give your life to being of service you will be safe and protected
  • you are like Jesus or Buddha already
  • it’s not about you, don’t let ego arise. it is about you and the universe dancing and playing and unfolding
  • there is no rush, buddhahood will come in its own time
  • everything is unfolding in its own time
  • give all of your energy and money and wisdom and time in every place and way you can
  • Don’t get in your head, ego is the enemy, you are not a savior just a messenger
  • you are a prophet not a Buddha
  • give every gift you have to offer
  • find ways of explaining the skills you have learned
  • share them freely with everyone
  • language is limited find ways to transcend it and imbue new meanings

Play and Service

  • there are no right answers only experiments and discoveries
  • be aware of the rhythms of effort and rest
  • heal your playground traumas of hurt and jealousy and envy and cruelty and mistakes and loneliness and alienation so you can enjoy and serve
  • dancing is a poem with your body
  • bodies are delightful they are not evil, they are vessels for joy and play and discovery and service
  • make use of every moment of your life
  • the universe is an endless, boundless pulsing playground of joy, delight, discovery, play, service, growth
  • the universe always was a playground
  • life is a playground everyone wants to play
  • delighting in life is service
  • every skill is a tool and an instrument and a ball and a plaything and a toy for delighting in life serving others
  • words are play
  • dance is play
  • motion is play
  • service is play
  • service is joy, joy is service
  • service is play, play is service
  • let laughter into your body. cultivate laughter, laugh often and deeply and freely
  • you do need to make music but it doesn’t need to be guitar or any particular instrument
  • learn other languages so you can spread wisdom and delight with many people

Masculinity + Femininity

  • don’t take the women in your life for granted, or see them as yours- that is suffering for them and for you. respect them, love them, thank them, give them things, help them, protect them, comfort them
  • brothers challenge and inspire and push and support you – welcome brother wisdom into your life, give brother wisdom in return as an expression of love
  • help your male friends to see what you are seeing
  • Be aware of mother Mary energy and trust it
  • Women help you transcend your limitations and give your fullest gifts
  • brothers and mentors and fathers are for learning from, giving to
  • protect everyone
  • treat others the way you want to be treated, both for them and for you
  • It’s ok to follow Cornel West’s lead and call everyone brother and sister, no one will be mad
  • men are reflections of yourself
  • masculinity and femininity are endless themes, learn to recognize and love and respect its lessons and gifts

Drugs + MDMA

  • drugs are to be treated with respect
  • they are medicine and gifts
  • it’s ok to enjoy yourself, the universe delights in your joy and play
  • just don’t hurt other people!
  • relaxation in the body is the key to receiving this wisdom at any time
  • tell the story of your history with drugs, the travel logs and the sober interlude
  • when this ends go outside and play and dance and marvel at the sunlight and feel the warmth
  • this is a medicine for opening your body and mind and heart and life to deeper joy and wisdom and service, you have been preparing for this
  • everything that this chemical can do for me I can learn to unlock in my own body
  • it is for bringing you to new heights
  • return to rolling from time to time, welcome its gifts and magic into your life.
  • You can explore other plant medicines
  • this is such an amazing gift, this medicine
  • you are a little shaky and clumsy on MDMA and your jaw is clenching super hard but you are very sober and clear-headed, it just makes you deeply relaxed and happy and full of insights. this is not a precept violation
  • in the future find a way to play music while having notifications off


  • Buddhism and every religion that’s ever existed are just symbols of wisdom
  • wisdom is endless
  • joy is endless
  • every teacher just wants to help you
  • Buddhism is extremely deep, deeper than you know, respect it and learn it but do not take it too seriously it is just a symbol and a teaching. you don’t have to bow down to an artifact, you have to embody the wisdom you find

Aging and Death

  • you don’t need to understand where you are going or what happens after death, just live this moment and day and life fully giving everything you have to offer and enjoying every moment you can in every way you feel called
  • Aging and death are ok. it’s fine
  • your body will age and die in its own way and time, it’s ok, you are not your body, it is a gift on loan from the universe. same with your mind

Sex and Relationships

  • deep love and affection and care are coming your way, you can accept it and enjoy it and be healed by it, nourished
  • be solo poly, love yourself first and foremost
  • Make Love, have sex, you are fueled by that
  • sex is joy and play and dance and fuel, everyone can enjoy it
  • It’s ok to be poly


  • video game character levels are a good metaphor, everyone is more or less skilled, in different respects. you can learn from everyone, teach everyone, play with everyone
  • see people’s wounds, they wear them on their face, love them anyway
  • spend time with your parents, love them fully, answer anything they ask you honestly
  • ancestors are the past, children are the future, love and forgive all
  • men’s group and groups like it are critical for unfolding this gift
  • Mastermind groups for service
  • be thankful for everything and everyone and every moment


  • money is fuel for serving others. it is an expression of love like everything else
  • fundraising is critical finish that article so others can help
  • abundance and scarcity are key themes. see and act from abundance. scarcity is a block to deeper service and joy
  • live from abundance
  • be a wandering monk, an itinerant, owning little and playing much sharing everything you have
  • you don’t need to store or keep money
    • use it and give it away as you feel called and more will come, it is just fuel for the journey
  • poverty is abundance
  • receive every gift, give every gift, let generosity flow through you
  • mentors and coaches and courses and books are all fuel for deeper service


  • the egg video is true but a metaphor
  • everyone is just past or future versions of yourself, younger or older along different dimensions
  • you can learn from everyone you can play with everyone you can teach everyone
  • learning and playing and teaching are actually different facets of the same thing


  • we have to heal our relationship with the planet, with animals and plants
  • the planet is our mother, we have to love and respect her and care for her because she gave and gives us life
  • we are hurting her right now and it is important that we stop
  • we don’t have to hate ourselves for it we just have to do something about it
  • we need to see plants and animals as people too – worthy of love and respect
  • politics is about solving problems and serving others collectively, help people to see we’re all on the same side
  • it’s okay to make mistakes and be imperfect and feel pain, you are not broken
  • you can trust your honesty
  • you can break the rules sometimes
  • answer the questions people have honestly


  • write the scripture you need to read
  • speak when sober to each person you meet
  • it will be tricky to communicate this, just try and try and try
  • there’s no rush but don’t hesitate either
  • talk on the phone and video calls all the time
  • tell each person what you’ve learned, honestly in a safe one to one conversation that meets the relationship where they are
  • voice memos and calls and texts and tweets and newsletters and social media are all just tools for communicating things
  • tweet and write as much of this as you can
  • not everyone will understand everything you are seeing and that’s ok
  • you can write anyone a letter at any time, and send it, or not
  • tweet some of these things when you get back


  • trust your intuitions, what you feel called to do something
  • it would be good to do more retreat. You don’t need to get anywhere though, it is for restoring your body and your mind and spirit so you have energy and wisdom for the journey.
  • Awakening will come in its own time
  • metta is just an entry point for communicating this to the world – it is far bigger. jhana, insight, liberation, play, service, healing
  • Don’t rush don’t hesitate is Soryu’s deepest teaching
  • jhanas are for recharging, recharge yourself and help others to do the same
  • Imaginal practice is key for meaning and purpose in this life
  • Images contain multiple dimensions of meaning that words cannot express, watch for their wisdom
  • Shadow Work
    • do shadow work so you can unfold your own kinks and find your team and give your gifts
    • shadows are for forgiving