Journal Entries on Meditation, April 2021 to November 2023

These journal entries describe my meditation practice, understanding of it, and relationship to it between April 2021 and November 2023 (excerpts compiled from several different social journals).

I realize in retrospect I was carrying a question or inquiry: how do I develop a desire to meditate regularly, not out of self-coercion or an obligation to consistency or an abstract idea, but out of genuine desire and devotion? What is meditation, and how can I conceive of it or relate to it in a way that inspires me to practice?

CW: sexual content; strong emotions including depression, anxiety, and self-hatred; one violent image.

April 2, 2021

a lot of my practice right now, most broadly conceived, can be described this way:

my practice right now is to use meditation, self-therapy techniques, moving my body, etc. to be happy, stay happy, and return to happiness when i’m deviating from that

May 11, 2021

jhanas are for recharging, recharge yourself and help others to do the same

Sep 3, 2021

Insect orchestra, the fidgeting of gossamer wings a soft string section. Dirt clumps on your ass. A breeze, air currents shimmering over skin. Sky so big, impossible to shut the wide open eyes of awareness. Just being there is practice. This moment, a breath, this freedom, a wisdom.

Memories of stuffy air, walls, enforced stillness. Fidgets stirring in veins of energy even if bodies can’t move. Stay still, stay still, don’t move, don’t move. Drowsiness, early morning, sweat pooling in fear of reprisal. Just being there is a prison. How to practice in spite of it all. This breath, perhaps.

Of course the open air is met as a freedom, a release. No one watching. No one to please. No assignment to complete. Just this. The grass the trees the sky the sun the air. Any technique, any posture, any length of time including none. Find yourself there for hours simply because you don’t have to and your body loves to meditate when it’s seen as a gift and a treat and not felt as a punishment.

January 24, 2022

spontaneously did sitting meditation this morning + this evening. felt great. the best part was that i just wanted to do it.

i’ve wanted to do morning + evening meditations for a long time. but i don’t want to force myself to do it. i want to want to do it. and i did today!

hearing P + S talk about meditation recently was probably what inspired me. and also noticing how much i feel burned out in the evenings – comparing notes with J about this the other day.

March 28, 2022

changing gears slightly, reading seeing that frees has been so timely. in particular i really like the emphasis on using the skills and techniques to resolve one’s own immediate suffering.

which, you know, on the one hand is patently obvious given that it’s buddhism

and on the other hand it’s something i needed to be reminded of and also didn’t somehow hear when i poked at the book in the past?

the frame i had subconsciously was “these are advanced meditation techniques for advanced meditators who are better than me and therefore this stuff isn’t for me”

and it’s like… no bro, these are for you and all my suffering homies

April 20, 2022

intentions for my upcoming retreat:

  • do lots of metta. focus on self-love in particular. i love myself. that i am loved by my friends + family. that i am loved by the universe.
  • do lots of jhana. get in jhana + stay in it as much as possible.
  • if it feels interesting + alive, do insight meditation / burbea’s seeing that frees meditations. if – it doesn’t feel interesting, metta + jhana are good defaults. and if something else spontaneous feels interesting + alive that’s great too!
  • train standing meditation + tai chi every day, multiple times a day. use the presence afforded by retreat to go deeper into those practices.
  • don’t hurt my body. if it doesn’t feel good to sit, stop sitting. do not under any circumstances hurt your body.
  • feel free to journal as needed / desired.

May 2, 2022

i can’t believe i have done (relatively) so little insight practice in the over ten years i’ve been meditating. but i think it makes sense. i needed a Lot of work to get to this point—establishing the Noble Eightfold Path, building emotional processing skills, gathering energy, it’s time to double down on insight meditation i think

loosely aiming to do jhana practice daily and some three characteristics practice at the end/second half of each session

i already have had good long stretches of regular daily jhana practice in the afternoons and evenings so might as well

it’s not really more time just a different focus. i still try to stay in jhana

May 7, 2022

i did compassion meditation (specifically tonglen) in the middle of the night with some heartache around that and it was the best tonglen session i’ve had yet

might fuck around and try to default to tonglen for emotional processing for a while or at least reach for it more frequently

one of the instructions that helped (besides just reading more about it) was start with yourself

May 13, 2022

there’s a meta thing of resistance to certain authors/thinkers that seems ameliorated in the moment + worth fixing in the general

hm i wonder if i could (borrowing a rationalist technique) install a TAP that “information i have resistance to experiencing is an indicator of its potential interest and transformative value”

hm trigger practice does seem like a good idea but it seems even better to complement it with jhana practice. don’t just go in dry y’know

ahem

I had forgotten that masturbation and non ejaculatory orgasms dramatically amplify jhana

I am pleased to be reminded of this 🥰❤️

weirdly feel like doing yoga rn I never feel like doing yoga

omg a little yoga feels amazing

ah standing meditation also feels unusually amazing

my body is just unusually happy today

ok I simply must go do Tai chi outside

tai chi on grass in a park

just unreasonably happy

October 17, 2022

daily meditation would be good

formal practice anyway

i do so much informal practice, really really!

December 8, 2022

my energy body seems to be really interested in independently trying / discovering chakra meditation for itself

December 22, 2022

woke up in the middle of the night to read some more of the name of the wind, went back to bed, and had another lucid dream ❤️ (flying in very vivid clouds)

I sort of set aside the desire to change what the dream world was and it was more stable for that.

and just flew, which I love doing in lucid dreams

I wake up a lot in the night these days anyways, maybe I should intentionally try to read books or meditate or write at that time and then go back to bed and have more lucid dreams?

January 3, 2023

felt like formally meditating tonight for the first time in a while. did it laying down + felt so good.

February 16, 2023

grumpy

should probably meditate before bed

ok ok i will

that was good 👍

meditating helped and then i slept well

March 2, 2023

meditated a lil

feel a bit better

it’s nice that there’s a cushion here

i guess there’ll be a cushion most places i’m at until may

some discomfort sensations about meditating, don’t-want-to-be-here-let’s-stop feelings came up + i breathed into them and they became pleasure

March 13, 2023

i actually wanted to meditate before the call! and i had a great sit!

just did jhana practice basically!

something is happenin’ with my energy body + my hara and heart

and maybe my third eye?

April 19, 2023

having a hard time eating rn. feeling depressed. exhausted but not tired so gonna lay in bed and meditate until I fall asleep

April 26, 2023

fuck kinda interested again in doing a bunch of insight meditation

April 29, 2023

last night i did some jhana practice in bed after some internal parts work and then fell asleep and that was so good

probably the answer is just to meditate more but i have some blocks around that too

can’t force things

have my call with T in 40 minutes and a little stuck about what to do before then

write more? go for a walk and talk?

i think probably the latter

basically, i foresee grief about my 1 and 2 recurring past this week

3 + 4 dissipating quickly

and the GRIEF OF SAMSARA PERVADING

which makes me want to do insight meditation

May 3, 2023

ok i think the thing is to sit/nap and then do a thing or two after that

(sit-napped and have been drawing)

banged out three really good drawings 🤩

May 5, 2023

i think the key for me to developing a meditation practice is just to cultivate and enjoy of sitting between, before, after meetings, from something i occasionally do into a regular habit i plan for

i’ve really been enjoying chanting every day too

thinking it’s for my mom motivates me to do it every day

May 7, 2023

you know it’s a good meditation if you make yourself cry

May 30, 2023

weird feelings during my nap though, was kinda depressed / dissatisfied in a nebulous way, ended up doing meditation on dissatisafactoriness while resting

(good)

May 31, 2023

where does the world go when we sleep?

what happens when you fall asleep? how do we do it?

July 1, 2023

felt like meditating a bit this morning on waking! following my breath, curious about maintaining nonconceptual awareness and increasing refresh rate

July 6, 2023

one thing i like about running saturday night metta is that i can kinda focus the meditations on what’s interesting and relevant to me

because honestly part of the motivation for running the thing is just to have a consistent occasion for me to keep practicing

ofc i also deeply want it to help other people but it also helps me!

July 8, 2023

haha i am laughing realizing something over here

i think the simple version of an answer to the ongoing question i have about formal practice is just “do more metta”

metta is not very force-y for me and it’s obvious to my system that i don’t need to be in any particular position or rhythm of practice or anything

it’s just an intrinsic good

and will lead to other things if those want to happen 😏

July 28, 2023

hmm curiosity and investigation actually feels like an answer too

it is one of the seven factors of awakening (investigation)

dare to let curiosity be the answer

August 3, 2023

did half of a guided meditation this morning and i was like

hmmm what if i treated guided meditations the way i do art tutorial videos

damn what if the whole gestalt i had around meditation was like the gestalt i have around art

that would be so ripe

August 10, 2023

setting the intention to briefly rest, nap, or sit between each of the next calls i have

August 11, 2023

the things that make me want to meditate now aren’t really enough to make me do it with any regularity (again, as opposed to consistency)

yeah this distinction between regularity and consistency feels key

i’d like to meditate REGULARLY but not CONSISTENTLY, out of earnest authentic DESIRE and not even a smidge of coercion or force

in some ways tai chi was a step forwards but also a step backwards

step forwards towards interest and desire, towards movement and energy—step backwards towards consistency, authority

tai chi is deeply related but also a different ball game because it’s more complicated

debugged some of that with E recently

i want to go back and find all the tweets i’ve had in this feed or others about meditation practice, there’s a theme in there of what i’m longing for that would be interesting to connect the dots

unfortunately that would be somewhat labor intensive, i didn’t really see the trend until too late

actually i think i just found most of the ones i’m thinking of 😂

what currently strikes me as fun about meditation?

  • exploring forgiveness practice
  • using my imagination to imagine happy futures for myself and others (which is a mudita practice)
  • devotional practices to quan yin
  • jhana practice feels good
  • i am still enjoying doing my own form of mindful review most days REGULARLY before bed (not consistently)

i listened to 2/3 of the first in andres’ newish guided meditation series and enjoyed it. seemed like it had the potential to be really good…

hmmm one of the problems with guided meditations is like i don’t have a good collection of ones that seem interesting. like, it’s easy for me to find art tutorials that seem interesting but harder to find guided meditations that seem interesting

i’m not saying there’s a shortage of guided meditations, i’m saying there’s a shortage of ones that seem ACTIVELY interesting TO ME

there was a few months in very early 2021 where i was into rob burbea and doing those regularly and also doing IFS ones from Dick Schwartz

weirdly i have some resistance to listening to my own guided meditations

i think if i was doing guided meditations specifically for me i would lead them very similarly but slightly differently

like, same techniques, same instructions in the main portion, but i’d have less concern for beginners, spend less time on the buildup

i should really record more guided meditations like that but that’s a separate question i’m gonna table for now because we’re focused on me right now

recording my own guided meditations just for me could be interesting 🤔

i’ve heard of people doing that but haven’t really tried it despite having done many for others

ugh this always feels vulnerable to talk about out loud, shame and fear of judgment or something but fuck it y’all are friends here

😳sex magick is pretty consistently exciting 😂

i never have to convince or coerce myself to masturbate either 😂

hmmm it’d be nice if meditation felt like my ideal sex life with a partner

regular, but not scheduled; consensual, not coerced; wildly pleasurable and exciting, but safe and comfortable.

i don’t really want to “schedule” sex i just want to have it most days

i don’t really want to “schedule” meditation or have a “habit” i just want to do it most days because i feel like it goddammit

hmmm also letting writing be a meditation practice

the black book is a great idea but i have some resistance to that too for a few reasons

but it’s the right line of thinking basically

letting my art practice be more intentionally spiritual, meditative

hmm, it’d be nice if there were more things in person or online that i had a full-body yes to attending

i was excited to see this thing D posted because the three characteristics and insight meditation have been pretty abidingly interesting to me for the last year

(in the past i was kinda disinterested in them)

i don’t really dig a lot of zoom stuff tho

i would go to the alembic very regularly if i was in the bay

i don’t think i’d vibe with a lot of sanghas in most major cities though

like, this feels like my sangha, but we’re a discord server where folks journal asynchronously 😂

anyways, the moral of this story is:

girls

i want to feel like i’m in love with meditation, like i’m devoted to it, like it’s the most important thing in the world, like a woman i love and value and respect and want to ravish on the regular for the rest of my life as we build a whole world together

mmm it’s like james and river talking about devotional productivity

i don’t really have coercion tangles with work these days

but i want a devotional spirituality

man now i’m remembering how when we finally got a computer my parents used to prevent me from using it or playing video games for more than x hours

what if i wasn’t allowed to meditate for more than x minutes or hours a week lol

do some reverse psychology on his ass

now my life is spending basically every waking moment of the day looking at a screen (including while walking rn) and i honestly love that for me

i love screen moderation or abstinence for my friends who want that but it ain’t me

bro i am an internet wizard, don’t steal my magick

things that are fun to do physically while meditating: shaking lying down wiggling tai chi dancing walking rocking back and forth masturbating listening to music

cw: violence—i want to take my old concept of “meditation” and take it out back and stab it vigorously repeatedly until it’s dead

oh investigation and curiosity are also very interesting in meditation practice right now

OH HELL YES

you know what’s fun?

walking into the air conditioned trader joe’s on a warm summer evening blasting excellent dance music feeling love in your heart and visualizing, embodying sending love to every last person in the store like it’s a platformer video game and you can’t miss collecting a single power-up

we’re gonna need to timestamp that one

i should really only be allowed to meditate while listening to music

😂

OH NO DON’T MAKE ME

October 5, 2023

meditating between meetings 👌

October 9, 2023

i like the whole gestalt of doing a sadhana

that feels better to my system than the “habit” gestalt

think i’ll meditate a bit before bed

worth noting for the future though, like maybe there’s a sadhana that would feel good to my system for november or December

October 21, 2023

slept about 3h and my heart feels really tender and tirana is quiet and dark and still and i just kinda want to meditate

which i never feel

the witching hour

i feel like putting chanting on in the background

meditation is so much easier and enjoyable for me if i can a) move and b) play/listen to music

i need to tattoo this to my buttcheeks

mmnm listening to chanting and moving and shaking and stretching and being in stillness has been nice

i think my energy, wisdom body is trying to… ascend to a new level

do i know that for sure? no

but all signs point in that direction

and that lens, way of seeing, myth lights me the fuck up

blergh

BLERGH

BLERGH

i don’t really feel like journaling is the move about a lot of things that are going on in my life and my heart

worried about overly reifying them

sitting is good

i think this is a good season or chapter to reach for sitting rather than journaling, presence rather than words

i ain’t knockin’ journaling it’s just not the move right now (he says as he journals)

need to kinda like… motivate myself into it

luckily, SNM [I have to run / can attend Saturday Night Metta right now]

lord have mercy on my soul

October 24, 2023

want to work on having expanded awareness in flow states

October 26, 2023

been working on this [having expanded awareness in flow states] the last few days

michael being around motivates me to go deeper into that AT bullshit (good)

i’ve gotten metaphorical espresso shots in 2021, 2022, and 2023

glad to have the new upgrades this year

also working on inhibiting the desire to use a specific social cope / crutch

and instead validating myself, loving myself, callin’ on my own self-love skills

historically my batting average isn’t great honestly but i am trending towards eventually not needing that specific cope

(the 2021 one was taking michael’s course, so it wasn’t in person, but DAMN taking that course rearranged me)

i only wish i’d taken it in 2020 when i’d first had access to it

alas

i needed to sort my shit out first

last night i hit the old “i am suffering” -> “i genuinely want to practice” loop

which, on the one hand, good, because practice

but on the other hand, as SF pointed out—is not sustainable

because suffering -> practice -> non-suffering / release is not a feedback loop

can’t feed back on itself

pretty sure if + when i’m independently, genuinely, excitedly ready to do several hours of practice a day i’m gonna go supernuclear in my life

fuck maybe that’s the way in

just motivate myself by thinking about how badass i’ll be

sometimes there is a similar vibe that happens of “think about how much i could help people”

but that always hits notes of self-sacrifice, burden, pain

but if i just become (more) badass that will automatically lead to more benefit

i’ve been thinking about this point about peace pilgrim

peace is really clear, take no credit for yourself, it is all god

but something about compliments, praise, the concept of self is kinda load-bearing in my path of service, at least right now, tbqh

i wish i was at peace’s level, didn’t need that, saw 100% it was Just God

but where i’m at, if i’m real with myself, is i see myself in what i do, even if it is inspired by something deeper

and that it feels good to take credit for that, to receive praise for it

and that motivates me to keep going

eventually i will probably care less

i think this happened for visa

i’ve just been doing this thing for like 2.5y

maybe in 2.5y i’ll be topped off 😂

anyways as far as load-bearing copes go this is a pretty wholesome one

there are far worse things to need / want / desire / thrive on

i have the intuition that <redacted> could really help me untangle my motivations to practice and develop a new mythology that motivates me

the one in my twenties died a brutal death and i have nailed it in its coffin and yet its ghost still haunts me

October 27, 2023

time 2 feel the body for 10 minutes or some shit like that

let’s go nonconceptual boo

mmmmm

yummy

edm, shaking, bioemotive, jhana mmmmm

yummy

some imaginal stuff at the end

note to self: short, moving, music by default, in between service projects or meetings, battery charging, superpower unlock

October 28, 2023

i’m gonna sit for 5m

that was nice 😌

did 10m of meditation

tasshin can meditate as a treat

October 29, 2023

the thing that i’m doing when i am napping or masturbating is already the activity that i am reunderstanding meditation to be

meditated for ~15m, genuinely deeply wanted to, almost craving it!

less shaking/big energy stuff today although some of that

more stillness, quiet

the way i framed this to Michael in conversation today is, i know how to meditate for many, many hours a day—including in stillness—but that skill operates primarily on coercion and i want to learn how to get to the point of meditating for many hours a day noncoercively, from a genuine deep desire and devotion

then it’ll all get started for us heroes

Nov 1, 2023

feel energy, fear, anger, sadness about a social conflict

feel relieved and a bit trepidatious about a work thing

feel excited about meditation, my work

think i will walk home and meditate and then do some magick to call in the nanowrimo novel

Nov 7, 2023

This entry and the next describe working with some intense, unusual self-hatred and other intense emotions.

meditated for a bit and got out

got some real clear messages meditating through it tonight

for starters i was really sitting with this pain in my gut, that i often associate with X

i guess sometimes it’s in my chest and sometimes it’s in my stomach but it’s the same hurt, it travels

i realized i hadn’t been very kind to this hurt

wishing it wasn’t there, wishing it would go away, wishing something (someone) outside me would fix it

seeing it as a problem that needs solving, something that’s broken that needs fixing

i asked it if it had anything it wanted to say to me

it didn’t want to speak in words

most of my parts (that i have access to anyway) typically speak in words so this was unusual

i think this was part of it, wishing/needing it to communicate in words when it doesn’t want to / feels younger than has capacity to speak

so when i realized that i flashed an image of myself as my own parent, holding myself as an infant, this hurt as the infant, rocking it and loving it

telling it i love it, i will do whatever it needs to take care of it, i’m sorry i haven’t been listening, i’m sorry i haven’t been caring for you in the ways that you need, i do love you, i do

and it could feel immediately that i do love it, it somehow knew i was just like… incompetent lol

it immediately relaxed when i sent it that image of me loving it, rocking it in my arms

i think my system has a lot of self-trust honestly, so that’s good

even if there’s missing wires or janky stuff

i think this hurt will come back for sure, i don’t think i dissolved it permanently, but i know how to get in touch with it—to talk in terms of images, not just words, and to focus on giving it the love that it needs or wants

that was one of the messages—

“you have to give yourself the love you desire from others”

“you have to give yourself the same love you give others”

i think this renewed desire to meditate is part of that intuition building

meditation is a way i can love myself unconditionally

especially if “meditation” is very broadly conceived, totally reconceived from the way i held it in my twenties

this hurt and my system as a whole doesn’t feel very loved by the old way of conceiving of, practicing meditation

“you have to meditate the heavenly realm into existence”

“one does not merely think oneself into the heavenly realm”

“one does not merely do oneself into the heavenly realm”

i feel like messages from my future self have been coming in very clearly, very strongly of late

i think noticing that time magick is possible in 2021 and really integrating that into my worldview over the last couple of years makes that much easier

i’m tired of and annoyed at IFS/parts work practicioners who give me judgement because my parts don’t communicate in images or just clear somatic sense—i have somatic awareness, and i can see things in my imagination, and i’m a verbal dude, and my parts wanna talk

oh, yeah, fuck

i had the strong desire earlier today to see about whether it would be possible to do [a retreat]

hard to discern how much of that is wisdom about wanting to deepen in practice, and how much of that is delusion about wanting to escape the suffering of anxious/avoidant stuff that’s causing self-loathing and even hopelessness

hard to discern how much of that needs to be that retreat in particular or just a strong desire to deepen in practice

suspicious of the desire to practice through suffering, hit the hurt nail with meditation hammer

resistant to the idea of another long retreat, fuck me

scared of it

but also… noted

i noticed i was envious of Z when he was considering it

oh, yeah—about that hurt

i noticed that on top of it was a belief i can’t quite articulate—something like “this will never get better” “my body can’t tell me what it needs” “i can’t fix this for myself”

some combination of those, and other similar beliefs

remembering what M said about “my problems can be fixed”

i kind of flashed a new belief to my system—”if i listen to my body it will tell me what it needs”

and sitting with that led me to being curious, inquiring to this hurt what it needed

listening patiently

in general i think journaling before/during/after meditation is a move

that’s an integral part of my process in other areas of my life and i think it motivates me and solidifies learnings and helps me go more deeply more quickly

also social validation 😂

the first pass of escaping was just crying -> jhana

just being in jhana for a little while dissolved the self-hate

i think i will meditate until i fall asleep

sleep, T

practice, T

let tomorrow be tomorrow T

Nov 8, 2023

if you are in abject suffering, and have little to no ability to use the methods you are familiar with to escape it, chanting remains overpowered—either chanting yourself, or even just putting it on in the background

stance is to do tonglen while i’m out and about

when i’m able to stay with it while anxious it’s really helped

i had this wild realization about it the other day where i noticed that i often reach for tonglen when other people are suffering, but i very rarely reach for it when i am suffering

don’t skip leg day T

the feelings themselves aren’t so bad

nothing new

it’s like, being witnessed and having that have causal impacts on others

horrifying

these journal entries are, like, revolting

it’s funny how if other people say that in their feeds i’m like “yah whatever you’re cool i love you everybody here loves you”

and then about myself i’m like…. <censored unkind comment about myself>

attachment to concept of self

it’s a real bitch

it’s not so much that if it’s true it can’t hurt me

it’s that if i acknowledge what’s true, and try to make peace with it, it will hurt less

it still hurts

funny how i knew these couple of weeks were going to be hard mode no matter what i did

i did choose this particular hard mode

honestly some part of me is kinda like a little infant just screaming IT HURTS I DON’T WANT TO HURT PLEASE MAKE IT STOP HURTING

judging myself for feeling this about such minor shit like <redacted>

it’s not even close to fucking war tasshin

(anger at self)

i hate when i see parents being hard on their kids like this

and here i am doing it to myself

like this part is like metaphorically an infant and doesn’t fucking know any better, it’s just hurting and that’s it’s whole universe

which, valid, ya know?

i’ve felt pretty ok off and on for a lot of the time but <redacted> is just bringing up more insecurity

anyway time to get my shit together and maybe kickstart a little tonglen before i go

maybe if tonglen fails i will have prayer as a fallback

actually chanting to prepare

i have a beautiful voice

instantly feel better whenever i chant

just gotta get through this as smoothly and simply as possible

journaling about an anxiety attack about the prospect of <redacted> is not where i thought i’d be in late 2023 as a grown ass man but here we are

activate tonglen

i’ve got this

change has happened

interesting how the hurt is very much in my heart right now rather than my gut

wonder what it moving between them is about

walking and chanting outside car now

haven’t eaten much today, or yesterday

need to fix that

just did tai chi and chanting

first time doing tai chi in a while

the rain cleared for now and i was waiting outside practicing so was like might as well

and chanting while i did it felt like the move

the energy body loves the tai chi

wish i’d had all the tools i have now when i was in the cabin

this is not quite cabin level difficulty but i am so much better prepared

found a truth I don’t want to accept

reader, make no mistake, he was the culprit responsible for his own suffering

not really sure what to do with a truth I don’t want to accept

keep it as a trailhead and do parts work later in private i think

even just acknowledging it is a release

i am feeling a bit better momentarily

remembering a Buddhist blackpill shakyamuni buddha said and, you know, he’s not wrong

and also I don’t like it

i love having autonomy over my body

i am outside getting fresh air

today i have been my own screaming child and my own loving but exhausted, exasperated parent

ugh i am such a mess

self-love skills got me looking weird and being socially awkward today

so be it

peace pilgrim was such a badass

probably straightforwardly the most inspiring person for me

probably the move is just to do this parts work tonight

but also resistance

if i am alone i will do it

i wish i had something at hand that i genuinely really really really wanted to do tonight

many things i’d kinda enjoy

nauseous, feel like screaming

well i am home and my heart hurts

i don’t have the spoons to do this parts work right away

<good things happen>

i shall rest easy tonight

Nov 11, 2023

something about the gestalt and image of going super saiyan is SO SUGGESTIVE for me right now

on multiple levels

intentionally accessing and generating tremendous energy

it giving you super powers

it being connected with rage (this is usually not something i let myself tap into)

this is what meditation is for me right now

goin’ super saiyan

recharging

moving everything that needs to be moved so that i can summon my fullest energy, my fullest wisdom, my fullest love, my fullest power, my fullest magick

Nov 12, 2023

i kinda just feel like walking and meditating and reading and writing and being by myself though

Nov 13, 2023

i think letting myself daydream during meditation would be a nice thing to do for myself

i already think it’s allowed abstractly but i don’t do it very often

Nov 14, 2023

have been verbally saying affirmations and spells aloud while i do activities

thinking about this guru viking episode from lorin roche again

and also about jason siff and his book unlearning meditation

https://insighttimer.com/jasonsiff/guided-meditations/meditation-journaling-instructions

^ validating that journaling is helpful with meditation

i think social journaling in particular (and using discord / a chat app to journal) makes the barrier to entry lower

and the rewards higher

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