These journal entries describe my meditation practice, understanding of it, and relationship to it between April 2021 and November 2023 (excerpts compiled from several different social journals).
I realize in retrospect I was carrying a question or inquiry: how do I develop a desire to meditate regularly, not out of self-coercion or an obligation to consistency or an abstract idea, but out of genuine desire and devotion? What is meditation, and how can I conceive of it or relate to it in a way that inspires me to practice?
CW: sexual content; strong emotions including depression, anxiety, and self-hatred; one violent image.
April 2, 2021
a lot of my practice right now, most broadly conceived, can be described this way:
my practice right now is to use meditation, self-therapy techniques, moving my body, etc. to be happy, stay happy, and return to happiness when i’m deviating from that
May 11, 2021
jhanas are for recharging, recharge yourself and help others to do the same
Sep 3, 2021
Insect orchestra, the fidgeting of gossamer wings a soft string section. Dirt clumps on your ass. A breeze, air currents shimmering over skin. Sky so big, impossible to shut the wide open eyes of awareness. Just being there is practice. This moment, a breath, this freedom, a wisdom.
Memories of stuffy air, walls, enforced stillness. Fidgets stirring in veins of energy even if bodies can’t move. Stay still, stay still, don’t move, don’t move. Drowsiness, early morning, sweat pooling in fear of reprisal. Just being there is a prison. How to practice in spite of it all. This breath, perhaps.
Of course the open air is met as a freedom, a release. No one watching. No one to please. No assignment to complete. Just this. The grass the trees the sky the sun the air. Any technique, any posture, any length of time including none. Find yourself there for hours simply because you don’t have to and your body loves to meditate when it’s seen as a gift and a treat and not felt as a punishment.
January 24, 2022
spontaneously did sitting meditation this morning + this evening. felt great. the best part was that i just wanted to do it.
i’ve wanted to do morning + evening meditations for a long time. but i don’t want to force myself to do it. i want to want to do it. and i did today!
hearing P + S talk about meditation recently was probably what inspired me. and also noticing how much i feel burned out in the evenings – comparing notes with J about this the other day.
March 28, 2022
changing gears slightly, reading seeing that frees has been so timely. in particular i really like the emphasis on using the skills and techniques to resolve oneās own immediate suffering.
which, you know, on the one hand is patently obvious given that itās buddhism
and on the other hand itās something i needed to be reminded of and also didnāt somehow hear when i poked at the book in the past?
the frame i had subconsciously was āthese are advanced meditation techniques for advanced meditators who are better than me and therefore this stuff isnāt for meā
and itās likeā¦ no bro, these are for you and all my suffering homies
April 20, 2022
intentions for my upcoming retreat:
- do lots of metta. focus on self-love in particular. i love myself. that i am loved by my friends + family. that i am loved by the universe.
- do lots of jhana. get in jhana + stay in it as much as possible.
- if it feels interesting + alive, do insight meditation / burbeaās seeing that frees meditations. if – it doesnāt feel interesting, metta + jhana are good defaults. and if something else spontaneous feels interesting + alive thatās great too!
- train standing meditation + tai chi every day, multiple times a day. use the presence afforded by retreat to go deeper into those practices.
- donāt hurt my body. if it doesnāt feel good to sit, stop sitting. do not under any circumstances hurt your body.
- feel free to journal as needed / desired.
May 2, 2022
i can’t believe i have done (relatively) so little insight practice in the over ten years i’ve been meditating. but i think it makes sense. i needed a Lot of work to get to this pointāestablishing the Noble Eightfold Path, building emotional processing skills, gathering energy, it’s time to double down on insight meditation i think
loosely aiming to do jhana practice daily and some three characteristics practice at the end/second half of each session
i already have had good long stretches of regular daily jhana practice in the afternoons and evenings so might as well
itās not really more time just a different focus. i still try to stay in jhana
May 7, 2022
i did compassion meditation (specifically tonglen) in the middle of the night with some heartache around that and it was the best tonglen session i’ve had yet
might fuck around and try to default to tonglen for emotional processing for a while or at least reach for it more frequently
one of the instructions that helped (besides just reading more about it) was start with yourself
May 13, 2022
there’s a meta thing of resistance to certain authors/thinkers that seems ameliorated in the moment + worth fixing in the general
hm i wonder if i could (borrowing a rationalist technique) install a TAP that āinformation i have resistance to experiencing is an indicator of its potential interest and transformative valueā
hm trigger practice does seem like a good idea but it seems even better to complement it with jhana practice. donāt just go in dry yāknow
ahem
I had forgotten that masturbation and non ejaculatory orgasms dramatically amplify jhana
I am pleased to be reminded of this š„°ā¤ļø
weirdly feel like doing yoga rn I never feel like doing yoga
omg a little yoga feels amazing
ah standing meditation also feels unusually amazing
my body is just unusually happy today
ok I simply must go do Tai chi outside
tai chi on grass in a park
just unreasonably happy
October 17, 2022
daily meditation would be good
formal practice anyway
i do so much informal practice, really really!
December 8, 2022
my energy body seems to be really interested in independently trying / discovering chakra meditation for itself
December 22, 2022
woke up in the middle of the night to read some more of the name of the wind, went back to bed, and had another lucid dream ā¤ļø (flying in very vivid clouds)
I sort of set aside the desire to change what the dream world was and it was more stable for that.
and just flew, which I love doing in lucid dreams
I wake up a lot in the night these days anyways, maybe I should intentionally try to read books or meditate or write at that time and then go back to bed and have more lucid dreams?
January 3, 2023
felt like formally meditating tonight for the first time in a while. did it laying down + felt so good.
February 16, 2023
grumpy
should probably meditate before bed
ok ok i will
that was good š
meditating helped and then i slept well
March 2, 2023
meditated a lil
feel a bit better
it’s nice that there’s a cushion here
i guess there’ll be a cushion most places i’m at until may
some discomfort sensations about meditating, don’t-want-to-be-here-let’s-stop feelings came up + i breathed into them and they became pleasure
March 13, 2023
i actually wanted to meditate before the call! and i had a great sit!
just did jhana practice basically!
something is happenin’ with my energy body + my hara and heart
and maybe my third eye?
April 19, 2023
having a hard time eating rn. feeling depressed. exhausted but not tired so gonna lay in bed and meditate until I fall asleep
April 26, 2023
fuck kinda interested again in doing a bunch of insight meditation
April 29, 2023
last night i did some jhana practice in bed after some internal parts work and then fell asleep and that was so good
probably the answer is just to meditate more but i have some blocks around that too
can’t force things
have my call with T in 40 minutes and a little stuck about what to do before then
write more? go for a walk and talk?
i think probably the latter
basically, i foresee grief about my 1 and 2 recurring past this week
3 + 4 dissipating quickly
and the GRIEF OF SAMSARA PERVADING
which makes me want to do insight meditation
May 3, 2023
ok i think the thing is to sit/nap and then do a thing or two after that
(sit-napped and have been drawing)
banged out three really good drawings š¤©
May 5, 2023
i think the key for me to developing a meditation practice is just to cultivate and enjoy of sitting between, before, after meetings, from something i occasionally do into a regular habit i plan for
i’ve really been enjoying chanting every day too
thinking it’s for my mom motivates me to do it every day
May 7, 2023
you know it’s a good meditation if you make yourself cry
May 30, 2023
weird feelings during my nap though, was kinda depressed / dissatisfied in a nebulous way, ended up doing meditation on dissatisafactoriness while resting
(good)
May 31, 2023
where does the world go when we sleep?
what happens when you fall asleep? how do we do it?
July 1, 2023
felt like meditating a bit this morning on waking! following my breath, curious about maintaining nonconceptual awareness and increasing refresh rate
July 6, 2023
one thing i like about running saturday night metta is that i can kinda focus the meditations on what’s interesting and relevant to me
because honestly part of the motivation for running the thing is just to have a consistent occasion for me to keep practicing
ofc i also deeply want it to help other people but it also helps me!
July 8, 2023
haha i am laughing realizing something over here
i think the simple version of an answer to the ongoing question i have about formal practice is just “do more metta”
metta is not very force-y for me and it’s obvious to my system that i don’t need to be in any particular position or rhythm of practice or anything
it’s just an intrinsic good
and will lead to other things if those want to happen š
July 28, 2023
hmm curiosity and investigation actually feels like an answer too
it is one of the seven factors of awakening (investigation)
dare to let curiosity be the answer
August 3, 2023
did half of a guided meditation this morning and i was like
hmmm what if i treated guided meditations the way i do art tutorial videos
damn what if the whole gestalt i had around meditation was like the gestalt i have around art
that would be so ripe
August 10, 2023
setting the intention to briefly rest, nap, or sit between each of the next calls i have
August 11, 2023
the things that make me want to meditate now aren’t really enough to make me do it with any regularity (again, as opposed to consistency)
yeah this distinction between regularity and consistency feels key
i’d like to meditate REGULARLY but not CONSISTENTLY, out of earnest authentic DESIRE and not even a smidge of coercion or force
in some ways tai chi was a step forwards but also a step backwards
step forwards towards interest and desire, towards movement and energyāstep backwards towards consistency, authority
tai chi is deeply related but also a different ball game because it’s more complicated
debugged some of that with E recently
i want to go back and find all the tweets i’ve had in this feed or others about meditation practice, there’s a theme in there of what i’m longing for that would be interesting to connect the dots
unfortunately that would be somewhat labor intensive, i didn’t really see the trend until too late
actually i think i just found most of the ones i’m thinking of š
what currently strikes me as fun about meditation?
- exploring forgiveness practice
- using my imagination to imagine happy futures for myself and others (which is a mudita practice)
- devotional practices to quan yin
- jhana practice feels good
- i am still enjoying doing my own form of mindful review most days REGULARLY before bed (not consistently)
i listened to 2/3 of the first in andres’ newish guided meditation series and enjoyed it. seemed like it had the potential to be really good…
hmmm one of the problems with guided meditations is like i don’t have a good collection of ones that seem interesting. like, it’s easy for me to find art tutorials that seem interesting but harder to find guided meditations that seem interesting
i’m not saying there’s a shortage of guided meditations, i’m saying there’s a shortage of ones that seem ACTIVELY interesting TO ME
there was a few months in very early 2021 where i was into rob burbea and doing those regularly and also doing IFS ones from Dick Schwartz
weirdly i have some resistance to listening to my own guided meditations
i think if i was doing guided meditations specifically for me i would lead them very similarly but slightly differently
like, same techniques, same instructions in the main portion, but i’d have less concern for beginners, spend less time on the buildup
i should really record more guided meditations like that but that’s a separate question i’m gonna table for now because we’re focused on me right now
recording my own guided meditations just for me could be interesting š¤
i’ve heard of people doing that but haven’t really tried it despite having done many for others
ugh this always feels vulnerable to talk about out loud, shame and fear of judgment or something but fuck it y’all are friends here
š³sex magick is pretty consistently exciting š
i never have to convince or coerce myself to masturbate either š
hmmm it’d be nice if meditation felt like my ideal sex life with a partner
regular, but not scheduled; consensual, not coerced; wildly pleasurable and exciting, but safe and comfortable.
i don’t really want to “schedule” sex i just want to have it most days
i don’t really want to “schedule” meditation or have a “habit” i just want to do it most days because i feel like it goddammit
hmmm also letting writing be a meditation practice
the black book is a great idea but i have some resistance to that too for a few reasons
but it’s the right line of thinking basically
letting my art practice be more intentionally spiritual, meditative
hmm, it’d be nice if there were more things in person or online that i had a full-body yes to attending
i was excited to see this thing D posted because the three characteristics and insight meditation have been pretty abidingly interesting to me for the last year
(in the past i was kinda disinterested in them)
i don’t really dig a lot of zoom stuff tho
i would go to the alembic very regularly if i was in the bay
i don’t think i’d vibe with a lot of sanghas in most major cities though
like, this feels like my sangha, but we’re a discord server where folks journal asynchronously š
anyways, the moral of this story is:
girls
i want to feel like i’m in love with meditation, like i’m devoted to it, like it’s the most important thing in the world, like a woman i love and value and respect and want to ravish on the regular for the rest of my life as we build a whole world together
mmm it’s like james and river talking about devotional productivity
i don’t really have coercion tangles with work these days
but i want a devotional spirituality
man now i’m remembering how when we finally got a computer my parents used to prevent me from using it or playing video games for more than x hours
what if i wasn’t allowed to meditate for more than x minutes or hours a week lol
do some reverse psychology on his ass
now my life is spending basically every waking moment of the day looking at a screen (including while walking rn) and i honestly love that for me
i love screen moderation or abstinence for my friends who want that but it ain’t me
bro i am an internet wizard, don’t steal my magick
things that are fun to do physically while meditating: shaking lying down wiggling tai chi dancing walking rocking back and forth masturbating listening to music
cw: violenceāi want to take my old concept of “meditation” and take it out back and stab it vigorously repeatedly until it’s dead
oh investigation and curiosity are also very interesting in meditation practice right now
OH HELL YES
you know what’s fun?
walking into the air conditioned trader joe’s on a warm summer evening blasting excellent dance music feeling love in your heart and visualizing, embodying sending love to every last person in the store like it’s a platformer video game and you can’t miss collecting a single power-up
we’re gonna need to timestamp that one
i should really only be allowed to meditate while listening to music
š
OH NO DON’T MAKE ME
October 5, 2023
meditating between meetings š
October 9, 2023
i like the whole gestalt of doing a sadhana
that feels better to my system than the “habit” gestalt
think i’ll meditate a bit before bed
worth noting for the future though, like maybe there’s a sadhana that would feel good to my system for november or December
October 21, 2023
slept about 3h and my heart feels really tender and tirana is quiet and dark and still and i just kinda want to meditate
which i never feel
the witching hour
i feel like putting chanting on in the background
meditation is so much easier and enjoyable for me if i can a) move and b) play/listen to music
i need to tattoo this to my buttcheeks
mmnm listening to chanting and moving and shaking and stretching and being in stillness has been nice
i think my energy, wisdom body is trying to… ascend to a new level
do i know that for sure? no
but all signs point in that direction
and that lens, way of seeing, myth lights me the fuck up
blergh
BLERGH
BLERGH
i don’t really feel like journaling is the move about a lot of things that are going on in my life and my heart
worried about overly reifying them
sitting is good
i think this is a good season or chapter to reach for sitting rather than journaling, presence rather than words
i ain’t knockin’ journaling it’s just not the move right now (he says as he journals)
need to kinda like… motivate myself into it
luckily, SNM [I have to run / can attend Saturday Night Metta right now]
lord have mercy on my soul
October 24, 2023
want to work on having expanded awareness in flow states
October 26, 2023
been working on this [having expanded awareness in flow states] the last few days
michael being around motivates me to go deeper into that AT bullshit (good)
i’ve gotten metaphorical espresso shots in 2021, 2022, and 2023
glad to have the new upgrades this year
also working on inhibiting the desire to use a specific social cope / crutch
and instead validating myself, loving myself, callin’ on my own self-love skills
historically my batting average isn’t great honestly but i am trending towards eventually not needing that specific cope
(the 2021 one was taking michael’s course, so it wasn’t in person, but DAMN taking that course rearranged me)
i only wish i’d taken it in 2020 when i’d first had access to it
alas
i needed to sort my shit out first
last night i hit the old “i am suffering” -> “i genuinely want to practice” loop
which, on the one hand, good, because practice
but on the other hand, as SF pointed outāis not sustainable
because suffering -> practice -> non-suffering / release is not a feedback loop
can’t feed back on itself
pretty sure if + when i’m independently, genuinely, excitedly ready to do several hours of practice a day i’m gonna go supernuclear in my life
fuck maybe that’s the way in
just motivate myself by thinking about how badass i’ll be
sometimes there is a similar vibe that happens of “think about how much i could help people”
but that always hits notes of self-sacrifice, burden, pain
but if i just become (more) badass that will automatically lead to more benefit
i’ve been thinking about this point about peace pilgrim
peace is really clear, take no credit for yourself, it is all god
but something about compliments, praise, the concept of self is kinda load-bearing in my path of service, at least right now, tbqh
i wish i was at peace’s level, didn’t need that, saw 100% it was Just God
but where i’m at, if i’m real with myself, is i see myself in what i do, even if it is inspired by something deeper
and that it feels good to take credit for that, to receive praise for it
and that motivates me to keep going
eventually i will probably care less
i think this happened for visa
i’ve just been doing this thing for like 2.5y
maybe in 2.5y i’ll be topped off š
anyways as far as load-bearing copes go this is a pretty wholesome one
there are far worse things to need / want / desire / thrive on
i have the intuition that <redacted> could really help me untangle my motivations to practice and develop a new mythology that motivates me
the one in my twenties died a brutal death and i have nailed it in its coffin and yet its ghost still haunts me
October 27, 2023
time 2 feel the body for 10 minutes or some shit like that
let’s go nonconceptual boo
mmmmm
yummy
edm, shaking, bioemotive, jhana mmmmm
yummy
some imaginal stuff at the end
note to self: short, moving, music by default, in between service projects or meetings, battery charging, superpower unlock
October 28, 2023
i’m gonna sit for 5m
that was nice š
did 10m of meditation
tasshin can meditate as a treat
October 29, 2023
the thing that i’m doing when i am napping or masturbating is already the activity that i am reunderstanding meditation to be
meditated for ~15m, genuinely deeply wanted to, almost craving it!
less shaking/big energy stuff today although some of that
more stillness, quiet
the way i framed this to Michael in conversation today is, i know how to meditate for many, many hours a dayāincluding in stillnessābut that skill operates primarily on coercion and i want to learn how to get to the point of meditating for many hours a day noncoercively, from a genuine deep desire and devotion
then it’ll all get started for us heroes
Nov 1, 2023
feel energy, fear, anger, sadness about a social conflict
feel relieved and a bit trepidatious about a work thing
feel excited about meditation, my work
think i will walk home and meditate and then do some magick to call in the nanowrimo novel
Nov 7, 2023
This entry and the next describe working with some intense, unusual self-hatred and other intense emotions.
meditated for a bit and got out
got some real clear messages meditating through it tonight
for starters i was really sitting with this pain in my gut, that i often associate with X
i guess sometimes it’s in my chest and sometimes it’s in my stomach but it’s the same hurt, it travels
i realized i hadn’t been very kind to this hurt
wishing it wasn’t there, wishing it would go away, wishing something (someone) outside me would fix it
seeing it as a problem that needs solving, something that’s broken that needs fixing
i asked it if it had anything it wanted to say to me
it didn’t want to speak in words
most of my parts (that i have access to anyway) typically speak in words so this was unusual
i think this was part of it, wishing/needing it to communicate in words when it doesn’t want to / feels younger than has capacity to speak
so when i realized that i flashed an image of myself as my own parent, holding myself as an infant, this hurt as the infant, rocking it and loving it
telling it i love it, i will do whatever it needs to take care of it, i’m sorry i haven’t been listening, i’m sorry i haven’t been caring for you in the ways that you need, i do love you, i do
and it could feel immediately that i do love it, it somehow knew i was just like… incompetent lol
it immediately relaxed when i sent it that image of me loving it, rocking it in my arms
i think my system has a lot of self-trust honestly, so that’s good
even if there’s missing wires or janky stuff
i think this hurt will come back for sure, i don’t think i dissolved it permanently, but i know how to get in touch with itāto talk in terms of images, not just words, and to focus on giving it the love that it needs or wants
that was one of the messagesā
“you have to give yourself the love you desire from others”
“you have to give yourself the same love you give others”
i think this renewed desire to meditate is part of that intuition building
meditation is a way i can love myself unconditionally
especially if “meditation” is very broadly conceived, totally reconceived from the way i held it in my twenties
this hurt and my system as a whole doesn’t feel very loved by the old way of conceiving of, practicing meditation
“you have to meditate the heavenly realm into existence”
“one does not merely think oneself into the heavenly realm”
“one does not merely do oneself into the heavenly realm”
i feel like messages from my future self have been coming in very clearly, very strongly of late
i think noticing that time magick is possible in 2021 and really integrating that into my worldview over the last couple of years makes that much easier
i’m tired of and annoyed at IFS/parts work practicioners who give me judgement because my parts don’t communicate in images or just clear somatic senseāi have somatic awareness, and i can see things in my imagination, and i’m a verbal dude, and my parts wanna talk
oh, yeah, fuck
i had the strong desire earlier today to see about whether it would be possible to do [a retreat]
hard to discern how much of that is wisdom about wanting to deepen in practice, and how much of that is delusion about wanting to escape the suffering of anxious/avoidant stuff that’s causing self-loathing and even hopelessness
hard to discern how much of that needs to be that retreat in particular or just a strong desire to deepen in practice
suspicious of the desire to practice through suffering, hit the hurt nail with meditation hammer
resistant to the idea of another long retreat, fuck me
scared of it
but also… noted
i noticed i was envious of Z when he was considering it
oh, yeahāabout that hurt
i noticed that on top of it was a belief i can’t quite articulateāsomething like “this will never get better” “my body can’t tell me what it needs” “i can’t fix this for myself”
some combination of those, and other similar beliefs
remembering what M said about “my problems can be fixed”
i kind of flashed a new belief to my systemā”if i listen to my body it will tell me what it needs”
and sitting with that led me to being curious, inquiring to this hurt what it needed
listening patiently
in general i think journaling before/during/after meditation is a move
that’s an integral part of my process in other areas of my life and i think it motivates me and solidifies learnings and helps me go more deeply more quickly
also social validation š
the first pass of escaping was just crying -> jhana
just being in jhana for a little while dissolved the self-hate
i think i will meditate until i fall asleep
sleep, T
practice, T
let tomorrow be tomorrow T
Nov 8, 2023
if you are in abject suffering, and have little to no ability to use the methods you are familiar with to escape it, chanting remains overpoweredāeither chanting yourself, or even just putting it on in the background
stance is to do tonglen while i’m out and about
when i’m able to stay with it while anxious it’s really helped
i had this wild realization about it the other day where i noticed that i often reach for tonglen when other people are suffering, but i very rarely reach for it when i am suffering
don’t skip leg day T
the feelings themselves aren’t so bad
nothing new
it’s like, being witnessed and having that have causal impacts on others
horrifying
these journal entries are, like, revolting
it’s funny how if other people say that in their feeds i’m like “yah whatever you’re cool i love you everybody here loves you”
and then about myself i’m like…. <censored unkind comment about myself>
attachment to concept of self
it’s a real bitch
it’s not so much that if it’s true it can’t hurt me
it’s that if i acknowledge what’s true, and try to make peace with it, it will hurt less
it still hurts
funny how i knew these couple of weeks were going to be hard mode no matter what i did
i did choose this particular hard mode
honestly some part of me is kinda like a little infant just screaming IT HURTS I DON’T WANT TO HURT PLEASE MAKE IT STOP HURTING
judging myself for feeling this about such minor shit like <redacted>
it’s not even close to fucking war tasshin
(anger at self)
i hate when i see parents being hard on their kids like this
and here i am doing it to myself
like this part is like metaphorically an infant and doesn’t fucking know any better, it’s just hurting and that’s it’s whole universe
which, valid, ya know?
i’ve felt pretty ok off and on for a lot of the time but <redacted> is just bringing up more insecurity
anyway time to get my shit together and maybe kickstart a little tonglen before i go
maybe if tonglen fails i will have prayer as a fallback
actually chanting to prepare
i have a beautiful voice
instantly feel better whenever i chant
just gotta get through this as smoothly and simply as possible
journaling about an anxiety attack about the prospect of <redacted> is not where i thought i’d be in late 2023 as a grown ass man but here we are
activate tonglen
i’ve got this
change has happened
interesting how the hurt is very much in my heart right now rather than my gut
wonder what it moving between them is about
walking and chanting outside car now
haven’t eaten much today, or yesterday
need to fix that
just did tai chi and chanting
first time doing tai chi in a while
the rain cleared for now and i was waiting outside practicing so was like might as well
and chanting while i did it felt like the move
the energy body loves the tai chi
wish i’d had all the tools i have now when i was in the cabin
this is not quite cabin level difficulty but i am so much better prepared
found a truth I don’t want to accept
reader, make no mistake, he was the culprit responsible for his own suffering
not really sure what to do with a truth I don’t want to accept
keep it as a trailhead and do parts work later in private i think
even just acknowledging it is a release
i am feeling a bit better momentarily
remembering a Buddhist blackpill shakyamuni buddha said and, you know, he’s not wrong
and also I don’t like it
i love having autonomy over my body
i am outside getting fresh air
today i have been my own screaming child and my own loving but exhausted, exasperated parent
ugh i am such a mess
self-love skills got me looking weird and being socially awkward today
so be it
peace pilgrim was such a badass
probably straightforwardly the most inspiring person for me
probably the move is just to do this parts work tonight
but also resistance
if i am alone i will do it
i wish i had something at hand that i genuinely really really really wanted to do tonight
many things i’d kinda enjoy
nauseous, feel like screaming
well i am home and my heart hurts
i don’t have the spoons to do this parts work right away
<good things happen>
i shall rest easy tonight
Nov 11, 2023
something about the gestalt and image of going super saiyan is SO SUGGESTIVE for me right now
on multiple levels
intentionally accessing and generating tremendous energy
it giving you super powers
it being connected with rage (this is usually not something i let myself tap into)
this is what meditation is for me right now
goin’ super saiyan
recharging
moving everything that needs to be moved so that i can summon my fullest energy, my fullest wisdom, my fullest love, my fullest power, my fullest magick
Nov 12, 2023
i kinda just feel like walking and meditating and reading and writing and being by myself though
Nov 13, 2023
i think letting myself daydream during meditation would be a nice thing to do for myself
i already think it’s allowed abstractly but i don’t do it very often
Nov 14, 2023
have been verbally saying affirmations and spells aloud while i do activities
thinking about this guru viking episode from lorin roche again
and also about jason siff and his book unlearning meditation
https://insighttimer.com/jasonsiff/guided-meditations/meditation-journaling-instructions
^ validating that journaling is helpful with meditation
i think social journaling in particular (and using discord / a chat app to journal) makes the barrier to entry lower
and the rewards higher
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